Gathering of the Figments

Shaye · Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 3:11 pm Post subject: The first collection of jokes.

The dislexic, Agnostic Insomniac - the one who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog...

"There's something in this room that makes you can't speak well." - Gill

"An Australian relief effort is knitting sweaters to protect the feathers of penguins who are being affected by an oil spill. The sweaters are being refused by many penguins who'd rather die then dress casual." - Conan O'Brien

"AOL for Dummies" is kind of redundant, don't you think?

5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.

And God said, "Let there be light", and there was light. And everyone said, "Hey, cool! Do You do parties?".
And he disappeared in a puff of logic.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. 'In English,' he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.' A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted: I am Napoleon! Another one said: How do you know? The first inmate said: God told me! A voice from another room shouted: I did NOT!

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Very Happy

_________________
~Shaye

Look. I don't understand half the things I say either.

Shaye · Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 3:52 pm Post subject:

What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG!? An Amish Drive-by shooting.
_________________
~Shaye

Look. I don't understand half the things I say either.

Wolf · Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2007 7:35 am Post subject:

In the beginning there was nothing. Then the Lord said, 'let there be light' and there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
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“Where are we going?”
"To the war.”
“But we don’t know where it’s going to be.”
“It’ll be wherever we are.”

butterflii · Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2007 8:06 am Post subject: o

There was an old Lady in her cottage baking muffins (as you do Smile

)
She put the first muffin into the oven as she was preparing the second.
Finally she put the second muffin in.
The first muffin complained; "Blimey, it's hot in here, innit mate?"
And the second muffin replied; "Oh My God! A talking muffin!!"

Laughing

ah ha ha

thats the best joke EVER!
_________________
Spider, Spider, on the wall.
Have you got no sense at all?
Can't you see the walls been plastered.
Now you're stuck you stupid . . . spider.

Shaye · Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2007 4:13 pm Post subject:

Haha! Those are good. Laughing

I love jokes. ...there's no lovey face...DANG!

(insert lovey face)
_________________
~Shaye

Look. I don't understand half the things I say either.

Shaye · Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2007 4:55 pm Post subject:

A man was arrested for his crimes and was sent to die. Before they killed him, the officers said to him:

"Sir, you have refused your last meal and your last request. Surely there is something you want to do before you die?"

The man thought for a minute about this and said, "Well, I've always enjoyed music. I think I would like to sing my favorite song beginning till end, would that be okay?"

The officers thought this was a reasonable request, and gave him permission.

The man smiled and sang:

"Ten million bottles of beer on the wall, take one down, pass it around, ten million bottles of beer! Nine million nine-hundred and ninety-nine thousand nine-hundred and ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, take one down pass it around, Nine million nine-hundred and ninety-nine thousand nine-hundred and ninety nine bottles of beer!..."
_________________
~Shaye

Look. I don't understand half the things I say either.

Figment · Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2007 7:03 pm Post subject:

Lol, i think that one would be even funnier if it was "this is the song that doesn't end, yes it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, but they'll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that doesn't end...." and so on, and so on....

Ah, the blessed lambchop...

Allthough they would be likely to get so annoyed by the 5th time through that they would kill him anyway... Laughing

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pommie42 · Posted: Sun Apr 08, 2007 11:02 pm Post subject:

Why did the little boy fall off of his bike?

Someone threw a fridge at him.
Laughing

_________________
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.

Temeraire Forums
The Dragon's Lair!!

Shaye · Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 11:26 am Post subject:

Haha. Touche.... Touche.
_________________
~Shaye

Look. I don't understand half the things I say either.

Figment · Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 4:38 pm Post subject:

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms!

Why did the first koala fall out of the tree?

It had no arms.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?

Someone threw a fridge at it.
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Shaye · Posted: Tue May 29, 2007 2:46 pm Post subject:

lmfao!

Poor, dying koalas.
_________________
~Shaye

Look. I don't understand half the things I say either.

Hawkins · Posted: Wed May 30, 2007 12:48 pm Post subject:

xD

I had a good one the other day...a comeback aimed at Travis, no less...uh...oh right!

Mae had called and said she was coming home early. Then she says sarcastically, "so Travis says get your girlfriends out quick 'fore we get home." and I said, "only if he gets his boyfriends out first."

Mae just said, "you can't beat Hawkins. Too quick for you." Travis said "bite me."
_________________

Tyler's on vacation...to CANADA...*sad*

Hawkins · Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 1:10 pm Post subject:

Three guys are lined up to get into heaven. Peter says that heaven is getting full; and God said only to let in people who had tragic deaths. He explains this to the first guy, and he says "well, I've had a hard day. I've been thinking that my wife has been cheating on me for some time now, and I went home early to try and find him. I got home, and I knew something was wrong. Suddenly, I see the guy hanging off the baclony. So I kick and beat and push on this guy, until finally he falls off. He fell in the bushes; stunned, but okay. So I take the 'fridge, push it over the balcony, and it kills him instantly. But the stress gave me a heart attack and I died right there." So Peter says that that sounds like a bad day, and he lets the guy in. The second guy comes along and says "today has been a weird day. I do my aerobics on my balcony, but today, I fell over. Luckily, I caught the balcony below me, and I waited for someone to come home. Eventually, I see a guy come in and I'm thinking, 'I'm saved!'. But then he starts beating on me! Eventually I just drop off and land in the bushes and just as I start thanking my lucky stars, this refridgerator comes falling out of nowhere and kills me!" Peter agrees that that also sounds like a bad day, and lets the guy in. The third guy comes up and says "okay, so picture this--I'm hiding naked inside a refridgerator..."

Bill and Martha went to the state fair every year, and every year, Martha said "Martha, I want to ride the airplane." and every year, Martha said "it costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars." one year, Bill said "Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't get to ride the airplane this year, I'll never get to ride it." Martha said "but Bill, it costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars." The pilot overheard them and said "how about this--I'll let you ride the airplane, but if you say ONE WORD, I'll charge you. If you don't, I won't charge you a dime." So they agreed and went up. The pilot did twists, turns, rolls, and then did all his tricks again. But still not a word. When the pilot landed, he turned to Bill and said "I did everything I could to get you two to say something, but you two are stubborn!" Bill shrugged and said "I would have said something when Martha fell out; but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

You might be a farmer if...

- You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
- You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
- You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
- You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.
- You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops. (well...not crops...goats. Those things are SHINY. *_*)
_________________

Tyler's on vacation...to CANADA...*sad*